Hello, Reader!
I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. I fear something terrible has happened.
~Obi-Wan Kenobi
Sibling Loss is a Perpetual Great Disturbance
It's been quite some time since I sent this newsletter, posted on Instagram, or made the podcast with any regularity. In fact, you may have forgotten you even subscribed to this newsletter or may be new here.
So, let me take some time to explain how a tsunami of grief left me frozen in my tracks, and how I am ready to be here for and with you in your loss.
My journey of grief began five years ago today. I was in a hair salon when I learned that my dear brother, Tony, died unexpectedly in his sleep. I was quite literally floored, falling to the ground, when I heard that news. It was a Saturday, like today, just before the pandemic hit the world. More of my story is heard throughout the podcast and especially in the last episode of the first season.
My world was shattered, and my expectations of the future were greatly disturbed.
Over the past five years, I have learned a lot about life and living, death and dying, and sibling grief. I have discovered that grief is a perpetual reminder of love, life, and secondary losses.
The past six to eight months have been overwhelming with numerous life stressors. I handled many with ease, but began to feel silenced, frozen, and stuck.
A few weeks ago, as I stood teaching a class of masters students about grief encompassing full ranges of responses to loss (physical, emotional, cognitive, behavioral, social, and/or spiritual), I suddenly realized that much of my overwhelm, feeling stuck, and avoidance of writing these newsletters, posting on social media, and creating the podcast were grief and fear of today, the fifth anniversary of losing Tony.
I have taken time to process this and will continue to do so. But I am ready to do so and share this process with you while supporting you, too.
Reconstructing the Self
One theory of grief, Niemeyer's Narrative Reconstruction, teaches us that grief isn't just about what we've lost, but also about rebuilding our lives and identities after that loss.
We may find ourselves retelling the story of our sibling's life and death, searching for meaning and connection even in their absence. This process often involves rediscovering who we are now, exploring new paths, creating our present, and exploring and changing our relationship to our past and assumptions about our world.
Ultimately, it allows us to move forward while staying connected to our loss story and our sibling (or others we have lost). It's a journey of redefining ourselves in the face of profound change and know that you're not alone on this path.
I am not the same person I was when I was hysterical on the floor of the hair salon five years ago. In many ways, Tony would very much recognize me now, and in many ways, he would be surprised by (and proud of) who I have become.
Loss changes us. I am in some ways even more serious than I was before. I didn't think that was possible. In contrast, in many ways I am more lighthearted and carefree like Tony was.
For me, creating The Broken Pack, becoming a Fellow in Thanatology (the study of death, dying, bereavement, and loss), and specializing in grief therapy was a natural way of meaning making, reconstructing myself, and an extension of work I was already doing prior to Tony's death. Yet, I have marked the connection Tony and I have through learning how to continue our bond (more on continuing bonds here) including naming The Broken Pack after wolves, learning how to style my curly hair, and even watching Star Trek and Star Wars (including the above quote), things he loved.
Today, I will find ways to honor him - both alone and in the company of friends and family who love and support me.
Writing through Grief
Sometimes, writing through grief in journaling or creating a voice memo can be particularly helpful. These actions help us to navigate life after loss and discover who we were, who we are, and what aspects of our selves has changed for better or worse.
Prompts for Writing or Voice Memos
Choose any or all that you wish.
- How has this loss impacted your sense of self?
- How have you changed since your sibling died?
- What core beliefs have been challenged?
- How can you nurture your bond with your sibling?
- What qualities or traits of your sibling do you want to remember and carry with you?
- What would your sibling want other people to know about them?
If you'd like to connect or share your story on the podcast, please reply back to this e-mail.
Warmly,
Podcast
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The Broken Pack™: Stories of Adult Sibling Loss
Want to learn more about the podcast episodes? Did you know each episode has it's own page? Catch up before Season 5 comes out!
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