Hello, Reader!
No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it is not the same river and he is not the same man.
~ Heraclitus
I have a certain friend who has become famous among his friends and internet acquaintances for posting memes that are a mockery of misheard lyrics sung by Justin Timberlake warning us that "It's Gonna Be May." This friend begins posting these sometime in April. (If you don't know what this weird pop culture behavior is referencing, there is more information here.)
While this is an enjoyable way to interact with my friend and others, in the past four years, it has also become a painful reminder of a certain difficult month and day for me. Ironically, this friend shares the same May birthday as my brother (which is also my parents' wedding anniversary), has a similar sense of humor and love for certain movies and interests, and in many ways has long felt like a big brother (even though I am older by a few months).
Add in Mother's Day and Memorial Day (in the US)- two holidays which can be incredibly difficult for grieving people to navigate - and the month could feel like something to dread.
May Flowers
Yet, the Northern Hemisphere bursts with reminders of birth and life. Buds swell on branches, blooms push through the soil, birds and bees hum with activity, and even my 10-month-old puppy, in heat, desperately (if unsuccessfully) seeks a mate.
Seeing the beauty of the world, the reminders of life, and the memories of childhood exploration of Spring outdoors brings such joy for me. Yet, this joy feels bittersweet. It certainly is not happiness. Underneath the pleasant moments are the foundations of loss and grief that will forever be my companion.
I recently re-opened my copy of How to Live When a Loved One Dies: Healing Meditations for Grief and Loss (2021) by Thich Nhat Hanh. In the book are many mindfulness practices and meditations focused on learning to live in both the joy and the sorrow. Holding space for both in the same moment can feel impossible.
Thich Nhat Hanh, in many of his teachings (including the aforementioned book but also elsewhere), used a flower metaphor to explain appreciating life and finding joy. He said that just as we admire a beautiful flower in bloom, we must also accept the necessity of the dead plants and unseen seeds beneath the ground. This metaphor symbolizes how to appreciate life, find joy, etc. and to simultaneously accept the pain and heartache of various seasons or losses.
Please know this does not mean we are happy about the loss, but rather that we accept it as part of our life story. Allowing ourselves to do so makes space for both pain or sorrow and the joy or contentment of living.
It's easier said than done. With a little self-compassion, we can learn to embrace the full range of experiences- despite the absence of our sibling.
But as we learn to live in the moments, the guilt of surviving diminishes. It may always be there, but that laugh, the smile, and the enjoyment of living will creep in.
Growing in Grief: An Exercise
This week's exercise:
Take out a piece of paper, something to type in, or the notes app on your phone. Set a timer for five (5) minutes.
- What are three things you did or experienced in the past week that made you smile, laugh, chuckle, or say "aha"? If you can only come up with one, write it down. If you can't come up with any, what may be the reason?
- Now take the rest of the set timer, and just write about what comes to mind as you reread the list. Are there emotions or thoughts related to this list? Name them.
- Take a two-minute pause to reflect on this exercise.
- What would you tell your sibling about these experiences? Write that down.
- Now, write down how they would respond. Would they be grateful you are laughing, smiling, etc.? Would they be angry? Would they encourage you or want to hear more? Consider how they may show compassion for you in a way you cannot. If you have trouble writing their response, try writing it with your non-dominant hand.
- Reread this the next day and just ponder it. How might you see your experiences differently through your sibling's lens?
Want More Support?
If you're a surviving sibling looking for a safe space to process grief, consider our upcoming Sibling Grief Refuge retreat this August. It's designed based on evidence-based grief practices and theories to ensure community, grief exploration, comfort, validation, and tools to help you move forward.
Spots are filling up!
Don't miss your opportunity to join us in the beautiful Laurel Highlands this August.
Have questions? Respond to this email or go to https://thebrokenpack.com/retreat for more information!
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Warmly,
Podcast
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The Broken Pack™: Stories of Adult Sibling Loss
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