Hello, Reader!
I'm often asked about how long it's normal to grieve. Patients in my office or grieving siblings like you with whom I interact through The Broken Pack™ ask me if grief will get better over time or when they will "be over grief."
My heart breaks each and every time I'm asked this question. Sometimes that person is me!
Siblings are supposed to be with us for 80-100% of our lifetimes. Depending on our age at the time of their death and our own longevity we may carry our loss and grieve for a significant portion of the time they were supposed to be alive. They will miss countless events, milestones, celebrations, heartbreak, shared losses, shared joys, and day-to-day interactions. During that time we will likely miss their presence in all of it.
When we hear, or even perhaps in the past have uttered the phrase, "Time heals all wounds," our present moment experience is invalidated and minimized. Yet, we desperately want to believe it.
If our current moment is filled with heartbreak, loneliness, longing, isolation, despair, and/or other pain, we may begin to wonder, "How can I possibly endure this for the rest of my life?"
Well, the reality is that there is good news and bad news (and probably a whole lot of in between).
Grief cannot be fixed, healed, or repaired.
You may be wondering why not.
First, let's look at what grief is and what it is not.
Grief is defined as the reaction to both death and non-death loss. It encompasses physical, emotional, cognitive, social, and spiritual domains.
Grief is not simply the sadness and heartbreak. Sure, those are part of but not all of it.
Each of these domains and the range of responses, specifically our unique responses, help us adapt and function in the life after loss. At another time, I will share how every one of these serves to help us live with our grief and in spite of it.
Second, to truly heal grief, we would be saying that either:
a) Our responses are incorrect, invalid, and useless. They are not. They are adaptive, informative, and useful- when we learn to listen to them, use them, and be informed by them.
or
b) We can reverse the loss. To my knowledge, we cannot bring our siblings back in their human bodily form. If you or someone you know possesses the knowledges and ability to do so, please e-mail me ASAP because I have a project or two for you!
So, if time doesn't heal all wounds of grief and loss, what happens over time?
Well before I get there, let me share what happened to me yesterday. I had a full caseload of patients in my private practice. I was also, in my very limited time, sharing and posting about our latest episode of the podcast with Taylor. (Listen here.) As I went about my afternoon, I noticed I was very jittery.
It was as if I had drunk several cups of coffee. I had not. I felt restless. I could have chalked this up to anxiety - and initially did. But, then I realized that I had had several recent dreams about my brother. I haven't been sleeping well lately. The fear of having a heart attack in my sleep was creeping back in - seemingly from nowhere. Again, I could chalk this up to anxiety. But, then I paused. Monday is my brother's birthday and my parents' wedding anniversary- a day that has been bittersweet since losing Tony in February of 2020.
It all made sense. This seemingly sudden bout of anxiety is a manifestation of my ongoing grief. Society (and even some mental health professionalswould say I should have been "over it" after a year of grieving, and that I should seek help.
That's ludicrous. How can I be over a loss of someone who was my first friend and who loved me unconditionally?
Over time, I have begun to learn to live with my grief and have noticed my responses aren't always sad or devastating. I can laugh with it. I can reflect upon my love for Tony and his for me without always shedding a tear. (Trust me, those happen, too.) Some days, the grief reactions are in the background and some days - or even moments- they are very much in the forefront.
This is what happens over time. Grief is ever present. It's how we adapt and how we learn from grief that changes over time. For example, would you answer these questions differently now after your loss? They may change again over time.
- What boundaries do we set with others?
- How do we spend our time?
- With whom do we connect?
- With whom do we not connect?
- How do we love?
- How do we think?
- How do we move - both physically and psychologically - in the world?
- What changes in our worldview as a result of our loss?
For more on how grief changes over time, please listen to our podcast to bereaved siblings who have been navigating their grief much longer than I have. Here are a just a few of the episodes that align with this topic. And, spoiler alert... None of them are "over their grief" or have "been healed" from it. Click on the episode to listen or learn more.
While it may all seem like bad news that our grief is with us forever, the good news is that it changes over time, and we learn to manage our reactions differently. Our intense responses change and make way for other reactions. Yet, waves of intense grief will surge. We learn to adapt and anchor ourselves differently in the storm. Our responses to our loss, a.k.a grief, are what change over time.
Retreat Special Sale
In just under 90 days, we will be gathering in person at our Sibling Grief Refuge retreat this August.
This retreat will be a transformative experience! Spots are limited! Don't miss out!
Special Offer Details:
- Tony's Birthday Special: $1650 (valid through May 20th, 11:59 pm ET)
- Early Bird Pricing: $1799 (ends June 14th)
- Regular Price: $1999 (starting June 15th)
How can you support us?
- Listen, follow, like, share, and subscribe to our social media, especially Instagram, and our podcast.
- If so inclined, please leave positive reviews and 5-star ratings of the podcast wherever you listen. This helps tremendously.
- Please support the ongoing efforts of The Broken Pack™ by shopping the Not Done Here™ ‘s sibling loss collection or by making a gift (of which all proceeds go to supporting adult sibling loss survivors).
- Join us at Sibling Grief Refuge, our retreat. Learn more here.
- Keep reading these newsletters and share with others to help us get the word out!
- If this was forwarded to you, go here to subscribe.
Warmly,
Podcast
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The Broken Pack™: Stories of Adult Sibling Loss
Want to learn more about the podcast episodes? Did you know each episode has it's own page? Season 4 is underway!
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