Hi, Reader!
Father's Day is here in the US and other places. It's a time for honoring dads, but it can also stir up a complex mix of emotions for those of us who have lost a sibling. It's a day that can magnify both joy and sorrow, bringing to light the changes in our family dynamics and the fears that accompany those changes.
A Unique Experience for Each of Us
Grief isn't one-size-fits-all, and neither is the experience of Father's Day. It might bring up cherished memories of shared celebrations, or perhaps feelings of sadness for what's missing. For me, it's a day filled with bittersweet reflections of my brother, who was not only my sibling but also a father himself. His absence, and the absence of his children, whom we no longer see, casts a shadow over our celebrations.
I remember one Father's Day, not long after my brother died, when my dad's usual lightheartedness felt a bit subdued. But when I asked him the familiar question, "What's new?", he flashed his signature subtle smile and quipped his usual answer, "New Jersey, New York, New Hampshire, New Mexico!" His playful response, even amidst our grief, reminded me that holding onto joy is possible, and that laughter (and my eyerolls) can still coexist with sadness.
It was a small moment, but it also highlighted the changing landscape of our family. My dad recently turned 80, and the reality of potentially losing him and my mom someday, leaving me utterly alone, is a new and daunting fear that has emerged since my brother's death.
Navigating Complex Emotions
Whatever you're feeling is valid. Our family dynamics change profoundly after losing a sibling, and that includes the ways we experience holidays.
For me, today is a reminder that what's "new" isn't just about states or silly jokes. It's about the newness of navigating grief alongside the joy of celebrating my dad. It's about facing the fear of future loss while cherishing the present. And I know I'm not alone in this. Many of us who have lost siblings experience a heightened sense of isolation and a deeper awareness of our own mortality.
Reflecting and Honoring:
This Father's Day let's acknowledge the full spectrum of our experiences. Let's honor the joy of celebrating our fathers, mourning them if they're no longer with us, or navigating difficult or absent relationships with them, while also acknowledging the pain of missing our siblings.
Remember:
- There's no right or wrong way to feel on Father's Day.
- It's okay to experience a mix of emotions including joy, grief, and fear. among others.
Ideas and for Today:
Family Dynamics: Take a moment to acknowledge how your family has changed since your sibling's loss. This might offer new insights into how you (and your family) are approaching this Father's Day.
Choices: There's no pressure to celebrate in a certain way. Consider what feels right for you – maybe a quiet reflection, a heartfelt conversation with family, or choosing to simply honor the day in your own way.
Communication: Open, honest communication is key. Share your feelings with trusted loved ones and be receptive to their needs and experiences as well. Remember, there's no right or wrong way to feel. Reach out to others who understand your loss or at least are willing to listen and / or be present with you.
Supporting Grieving Siblings:
If you're supporting a sibling through grief, here are some things to keep in mind:
Maintain a Posture of Genuine Curiosity: Ask open-ended questions like, "How are you feeling about Father's Day this year?" Avoid assumptions and truly listen to their response.
Validate: Let them know their feelings are valid, no matter what they are. A simple statement like, "It's okay to feel however you feel today," can go a long way.
Offer Support: Be there to listen without judgment. A shared meal, a walk in the park, or simply being present can be incredibly meaningful.
For a quick reminder you can easily share, please see our reel posted on Instagram and TikTok today.
Warmly,
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